Day 13: Growth

Motherhood.

The bond between a mother and child is peculiar. That love far exceeds anything I’ve ever known. It’s as if you love a deeper version of yourself, at least that’s what it is for me. I can only relate by the love I feel for my mother and the Gilmore Girl-style relationship we’ve formed over the years. The love I have for her is somewhat indescribable. I am in awe of my mother and I’ve wrapped my life goals around trying to make her proud. I know through my ups and downs, its her duty to always be there. To care. To love me too. But prior to her getting married, I’d wonder who would be there for her.

Sometimes I wonder what that is like for all mothers. Women who constantly give to their children, to those around them… who gives to them?

Yes, there are some beautiful stories filled with superwomen who have supermen filling that gap. There are men who give to their women thus giving them the strength to keep going. And then there are just superwomen. Single mothers. Going back to that bond and love between mother and child, I know it can be extremely fulfilling, but it begs to question: Is that enough?

Renae Bispham, 24, is a young single mother whom I believe also battles with this question. She pours so much of herself and values into her daughter and I’ve seen nothing but greatness come out of that. She is a phenomenal woman and mother. But as I watch her take on countless school events or exchange colds with her kid, I wonder, who will have her back? Renae and I didn’t come to any conclusions nor do we have the answers to every question, but I do believe we brought light to a few seemingly dark places when we spoke the other night. But that’s the thing about love, we may not always understand it, like it, or completely agree with our feelings but it’s all necessary for growth. I believe this was necessary for her, too. This is her story.

Tell me about your love life.

It’s trash. I’m a single girl.

Why do you say it like that?

Because I’m partially excited to be single, but before it used to make me sad. But not anymore.

Do you want to be in a relationship?

At this point in my life, I feel like it would be cool, but I’m still skeptical.

Why?

My daughter … I’m afraid to bring her around someone new, someone she doesn’t really know. For example, her meeting a brand new person, mainly because her dad is not in her life. So bringing a brand new person around her makes me scared. She’s seen me with someone, but she was a baby at the time. That used to be the norm, but then he’s not around anymore. So I am just afraid to bring a brand new face around her.

When was the last time you were in a relationship?

My daughter’s dad. And then there was a guy I was seeing somewhat recently.

How old is your daughter?

Five and a half.

Do you still think about this other guy?

Up until a week ago … yeah. But this past weekend I had a revelation.

What was the revelation?

He doesn’t deserve me.

How did you come to that?

I rekindled an old flame that kind of made me feel like ‘Stella Got Her Groove Back.’ I was so stuck on him, the previous person that was around my daughter, that I felt like I couldn’t move past him, ever. I was just so tired … I thought that something was wrong with me. I’d think: What am I doing wrong? Why do they keep leaving me? Did I do something? Am I not good enough?

This “other guy” wasn’t my boyfriend because we weren’t together, but he was my first adult relationship. I had my daughter young. Her dad and I were young, but this guy, I felt like he was my first take at adulthood. I was so stuck. I just thought that he was the one. I just knew it.

The signs were there that he wasn’t, as time went along. But I just chose to ignore them because I wanted this to work so bad. I think, because I didn’t work out with my daughter’s dad that I wanted to fill that void. Everything just seemed so right. I always prayed and asked God to show me the signs. Put it in my face or mix it up. God would do that constantly and I would still be like “No that’s not it. That’s not the sign. No, you would show me in a different way.” I was battling with God.

As the years went along, it was just so hard. Four and a half years later and I’m just empty. You can still be with someone and feel so empty. I felt empty towards the ending of us parting. I couldn’t do this. It was not healthy for me or my sanity. So I decided that I didn’t want to try this anymore. When he went away, it was easier for us to not speak as much and I started getting comfortable in that emptiness, I guess. It forced me to get over him … Not get over him, but accept it for what it was at that point, which was hard for a little bit.

Did you love him?

Hell yeah. With every fiber of my being. Yes, I loved that man.

Would you say it was your greatest love?

I don’t think I have found my greatest love yet. It was amazing … something different, but I don’t think that was my greatest. My greatest love won’t be one-sided. I felt like what I had was one-sided. Did I love him? With every fiber in me, like I said. I’m a lover and when I fall in love, I fall deeply in love with someone. I don’t think he was all of that for me.

Do you regret it?

I don’t regret anything that I ever do. One, because at one point he made me happy, and two, because I just feel like there is always a lesson to be learned in everything that you do. Relationships … Friendships … Your everyday life. There is always something to be learned. I don’t regret it. It was fun. It was amazing. I learned a lot about myself. I learned what I want in a relationship, what I don’t want, how I would introduce someone to my daughter. It was new … I was just scared, but then it was easier because she was a baby. She just got used to seeing that face. I appreciate that situation-ship for teaching me the things about myself that I know now.

Are you comfortable with yourself? Are you comfortable being single?

Now, yeah. After stepping outside of that situation. And honestly all of this is recent. Literally, a couple of days ago. I feel like, “Bitch, you poppin,” right now. I have to keep reminding myself that. I was so sunken. I was so sad because I just knew that that was it. I knew that he was it for me and he confirmed something for me. Being with him made me see how much time I wasted with the wrong guy. I just know that if I can give the wrong guy that much love, I can wait for the right one and really make something amazing happen.

What about the old flame you recently rekindled. Do you think this guy is the right one? Or could be?

I don’t know. I’m just having fun. But I don’t think this is just a distraction. I mean the act of talking to someone new is great, but I don’t think me feeling great about myself is solely based on talking to someone new. Absolutely not.

Would you say that you’re happier without your ex?

It’s still fresh. My revelation is still fresh, but I’m not in that sunken place anymore. I can go through the day without thinking about him. I can hear a song and not get sad. Now I just laugh about things. I have these little ah ha moments with myself and I just start laughing. I literally question myself: ” Why was I such a dub?” Now I just feel free and I essentially, just know my worth. At this point, in this stage in the game it’s all about knowing my worth. Knowing I’m worth it. I tell myself that everyday, “You’re worth it.” Even if me and this new guy don’t go past two weeks, I can truly say to myself: “Okay, well that was fun, but I am still worth something greater.” I can’t wait for the greater.

Moving forward, what three qualities do you require of partner?

Loyalty. Honesty. And that’s because for me, I just want somebody to be honest with me. I want my friends to be honest with me. I want that of my parents. I want my daughter to be honest. I want honesty from my lover. I just want people to always be honest with me because I feel like I’m a very understanding person. If you’re not happy, tell me. If you’re feeling like you don’t want to be there anymore, tell me. I just need honesty.

Can I pick more than three?

This is your list baby.

God fearing, for sure. I am not holier than thou. I am not even close. I just want someone who has a relationship with God right now. I want to be able to be like, “Babe, I had a rough day.” And you say to me, “Let’s pray.” In our good times or our bad times, I want you to be able to feel comfortable opening up to God with me.

I want someone who loves deeply. Like I said before, I am a deep lover, and I just want to be loved the way I love. I want someone who my daughter can look up to, essentially. Someone like my dad.