Day Two: Confessions

Men.

Often times, as a woman, I find myself confused and always wondering what men could possibly be thinking. When men do or say certain things, I’m left with my head tilted to the side, squinted eyes and a question mark over my head, with only one response – “What?”

However, I was given insight into the mind of one man on day two of this project.

Khalil Waldron, 22, is no stranger to love or heartbreak, but instead acts as a long-distant friend to both. While men and women speak the same language, like slang, we tend to formulate so many different ways of saying the same thing. However, because of that I believe our meanings get lost in translation. After trying to say the same thing so many times, at some point you’d want to just stop. Like Khalil, I’ve too been at this place before. But there’s something so comforting in knowing you’re not alone in the way you really feel.

In this series, Khalil and I walk down a path he’s tried to forget. As we tear down the walls of his past to build an understanding for his future, love somehow always remains at the core. This is his story.

Tell me about your love life. Are you single? Married? Talking to someone? It’s complicated?

I feel like I’m single. I’m definitely single in my idea of the relationship.

When was your last relationship?

What do you define as a relationship?

I define it as being monogamous with someone. Not speaking to anyone else, or entertaining anyone else, because you wouldn’t want to. The person you’re with is more than enough.

So like having a girlfriend?

Yes.

2012

Why so long ago?

I don’t know. It’s just one of those things I haven’t done since.

Are you looking for someone?

I wouldn’t say looking for someone. I like the thought of just going through life normally, then if someone comes along. But I’m not looking for someone.

Are you afraid to be in a relationship? Or do you think someone just hasn’t come along?

I feel like it’s a little bit of both.

How so?

I guess just because every time someone comes along, I think they’re going to be good for me. It just ends up being completely the opposite of what I thought it was. Like you get excited to a point where you’re like ‘alright, I’m gonna do this,’ and then it goes south. Then it’s damn like why do these things keep happening. Is this what’s going to happen every time I go out there? So I definitely stay away from this stuff.

Tell me about your greatest love.

My greatest love … that could be between two people that’s why I’m like ‘hmm, which one was the greatest?’. So I’m going to ask you a weird question. What do you define as the greatest? Because there are so many different things that could be great but that doesn’t necessarily make them good for you.

I’ll counter question in order to help you answer that. What do you define as love?

Love is like a fire. To me it’s like this crazy stupid fire that you’re in where you aren’t thinking rationally. All you can think about is the blood flow of this warm, lustful, heated sensation. So it’s angry, it’s fiery, it’s passionate. It’s like you just get out of character and do weird stuff that you don’t normally do. You’re under a spell and it’s hot.

So of the two women, which one did you feel that for that most?

I was under an intense spell for both of them but one hurt me a little bit more than the other.

How did she hurt you?

I guess when it was over it just hurt really bad. More so than anything before. Never want to feel like that again.

What do you look for in a woman?

Somebody that could put me under a spell. If you can’t put me under a spell it’s just like, you’re not going to memorable in the grand scheme of things. Like artistic muses. They will just be something in my memory.

Have you ever cheated before?

Technically yes.

Technically?

What would you define as cheating?

Stepping out on your girlfriend.

Yes. Then technically yes.

Why would you cheat on your girlfriend?

She was far away and I was starting to lose interest in the whole thing because of the distance and I was getting to a point where I was like you’re just too far away. But it was the beginning stages … and you know I just wanted to experience more sex. That was the only person I had had sex with at the time and I was like, you know I just want to more of it. And that’s what it was.

Did you regret it?

Not really. Is that a bad thing?

You tell me.

Not really.

Did you love your girlfriend? Did you care about her at all?

I definitely cared. I think at the time it was what I thought was love. So at that stage of my life it was the epitome of what love could be.

Did she find out?

Nope.

To this day you feel nothing about it?

Nah. Sometimes when there are girls that I’m messing with and they [ask] have you cheated?, I’d say ‘I didn’t cheat because you’re not my girlfriend.’ If I had a real girlfriend I would never cheat on her.

Do you see yourself getting married?

Yeah, you know what’s funny? One of my brothers just told me he thinks I would have three divorces. I’m like “What the fuck? Why would you say that?” Then I started thinking to myself, “I don’t even think I would get married.” If I make it big, I wouldn’t get married. Because that’s somebody who could potentially leave me and just take a percentage of my worth and my earnings and a whole lot of other stuff that I did.

Why do you automatically think the worst? You could also just be happily married and live forever with someone. Do you not believe in marriage?

I do, but people change, people grow apart. Some people are able to stay in sync forever. That’s amazing. Sometimes people get out of sync for a little while to the point where they get completely out of sync but then they come back. Sometimes people get out of sync permanently. But it’s the thought that makes it so much better. The thought that you would be in sync all the time.

So, you don’t think you ever will, right?

Honestly, you never know what’s going to happen. Right now, I feel like I can’t find the confidence to have love in anybody that much. That’s the thing that I’m saying, loving someone is doing the most dangerous trick, in hopes of not losing your life. That’s the exhilarating feeling of doing something so dangerous. But I don’t think you’re to keep it forever. That’s why we celebrate that so much, because it’s damn near impossible these days. That’s what it would be like in marriage.

 

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